An update on Bram Stoker’s Dracula: I’m on chapter 20.

I watched Zombieland tonight after work. I don’t generally get into the whole blood-and-guts thing, but I sort of enjoyed the movie. There were a couple spots where I looked away from the screen because I knew something that would make me jump was about to happen, and I don’t like being frightened. That’s how I roll, I guess.

I’m coming to this sort of realization that I’ve been fighting for months, because I didn’t want it to be true, even though I’ve kind of known that it was this whole time. And part of it, for me, is that I never thought I’d turn into this. I feel lonely, and for some reason that’s deeply embarrassing to me. I have Rebecca, and she’s wonderful. I have my brothers when they’re not living their own lives, and I have ephemeral acquaintances at work, but I don’t really have a group of people—or even a person—that I do friend things with. It’s definitely my fault. I’m not good at initiating friendships, at trusting people, or even being available for befriending. And I’m not in Warrensburg anymore. No longer am I staying up until 1:30 AM watching short films and talking about life with Micah. I’m not making or enjoying music with the guys I lived with, or with Aubrey. I’m not sitting at a Country Kitchen of a weeknight sharing life with a group of dudes who, like me, are just trying to get by.

One of the people I work with asked me what I was doing this evening, and I came up blank, and I guess that’s what sort of triggered this for me. I’m never doing something of an evening. I’ve become that guy who sits at home until he falls asleep to a movie, or Hulu, or a downloaded television show because he needs something to break the silence after 11:00 PM when everyone else in the house is asleep; that guy who rambles at 2:00 AM on Tumblr about his sad life. And the weirdest part? Of all of the people I bump into during the course of a week in my classes, at work and at church, there are probably only a handful of people that I connect with well enough to consider spending time with outside of the context in which I know them. I guess it’s not so weird—I’ve never been great at connecting with people—but it’s disheartening to think that I’m really this bad at it.

I work in the morning. I’m going to queue up “Community” on Hulu—it comes highly recommended.

I’m reading Bram Stoker’s Dracula right now. After my weird mythological creature kick in elementary school (the Loch Ness Monster, vampires, Bigfoot) I’m sort of surprised that I never actually got around to reading this. To be fair, I don’t think they had this in my elementary school library OR at the bookmobile.

I went to Columbia tonight with Rebecca, and we met JD at Shakespeare’s Pizza for dinner. We sat around and ate tasty supreme pizza and just talked for awhile. It was really great to catch up. After that, we went to the Andrew Bird concert. St. Vincent opened, and she was pretty good—I hadn’t heard very much of her music before, to be honest. Andrew Bird managed to play an entire concert without Plasticities, Weather Systems or Heretics, which is pretty unusual, but he put on a fantastic show. This was Rebecca’s first concert, and I think she had a good time.

I got back to my house around 1:00 a.m., ate a gyro and it’s now time for bed.

I just got home, and I want you all to know that I read 14 pages of my Tumblr dashboard, because I care about your lives.

Yep.

embracingthemelody:

I don’t think you realize how much you are missed in this ridiculous town called Warrensburg. I can honestly say you have come up in conversation every day in some fashion since i’ve been back, of someone else saying how much they miss you being here in our daily lives.

Just saying.

“I think of him at least 6 times a day” - Chris Eversole

I miss you all a whole heap. I can’t even, like, I don’t even… okay? Rebecca and I are working on a way to visit sometime this semester. You’ll know when I know!