Maybe this is why I can’t sleep. I’m trying to think this out.

To begin, some background. I have general anxiety disorder, coupled with moderate depression. I suspect that I have some degree of social anxiety disorder as well, not to mention that I’m a little OCD. Other than that, I try awfully hard to be a happy person, for whatever that’s worth.

For the past week or so, I have had a lot of trouble sleeping at night, and it’s felt like there’s this anxiety bubble that’s slowly building up inside of me. I don’t know what’s causing it, but I’m trying to figure that out. This is all I can come up with so far.

Rebecca and I will have been together for one year on Friday. Honestly, I don’t think I could be more excited! I love her in ways that I never thought were possible until she came along. Every moment I spend with her is the most delicious cake I’ve ever tasted on top of the bike I rode everywhere as a kid wrapped up in a bunch of original paintings by Monet in high-definition. With surround sound. On Sunday. In Autumn. I don’t know what it is about one year that’s such a big deal. I mean, I didn’t go into this relationship thinking, “oh, wow. I’ll be shocked if we last a year,” did I? (I did not.) But there’s something about the passing of a year together that makes me look back on everything, as though I’ve reached the first summit of a mountain and I’m looking down on the path we’ve climbed together.

“We’ve come a long way,” I say, surveying the trail. And she agrees.

With this excitement, though, there’s concern. Maybe fear, even. And there’s a difference between concern and fear. Concerned is what you are when you haven’t heard from someone that should have phoned a couple days ago. Fear is what you have when you haven’t heard from someone that should have phoned a couple days ago and there are reports on television of the discovery of an unidentified body in their area.

What are we going to do next Spring when she graduates and I’m still here? What if I can’t be the man she needs me to be? What if I can’t deserve her love? What if she decides that she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with me?  Or, oh my God, what if we do get married? What if she discovers a few months into our new life together that I can’t make her happy? What if we can’t have children? And if we do have children, what if I’m not an awesome dad? How will I provide for us on a teacher’s salary? What if I have trouble finding a job? What if what if what if what if what if what if what if how how how how how? I’ve talked about most of these concerns with Rebecca. She says that she deliberates for a long time over decisions, but once she makes them, she never doubts them. She says that she loves me. She thinks I’d make a good husband. She thinks I’ll be a good father. I think she has more faith in me than I do.

I trust her. But even though I trust her, I still have trouble believing her. Trust and belief are not one and the same. Trust is taking something for granted; driving across a bridge unconsciously trusting that it won’t collapse once you get to the middle. Belief is accepting things even when you don’t feel that you’ve been given enough supporting evidence.

Things are going pretty well in my life right now. I have a girlfriend that I love irrevocably. I’m having moderate academic success. I’m not laying in bed with the flu eating rice because that’s all I can afford. So something must be wrong. I don’t know what it is, or when it’s going to blindside me, but things really can’t be going this well in my life. Am I afraid to accept that things are really going to be okay?

Perhaps I’m just afraid to hope.