— I went to Iron Belt, Wisconsin with Rebecca, her family and Billy (Stacey’s boyfriend) on December 27. We met up with their extended family at their grandma’s house and spent the days up to January 1 desperately trying to burn the calories we were consuming so we could go right on not feeling guilty about eating second and third helpings of Grandma Linn’s delicious cooking. There was so much snow! It was fantastic. Her cousins had piled up a huge mound of snow before we arrived, then soaked it so a hard layer of ice would freeze over, making it stable enough to be hollowed out into a snow fort that probably fit six grown people at a time.

The morning after we arrived, Rebecca and I snow-shoed down the street and around the corner into woods full of tall pines and frozen streams. We’d get out there and listen to the snow falling in small piles from trees and the sound of branches crackling and groaning in the wind. It was great to just spend time out in the forest with her and feel such a dense personal sense of solitude. We intended to come back around to find our own trail again so as to make a loop, but it was getting late, so we backtracked the way we came.

The next day, we went cross country skiing with Rebecca’s dad. We went much farther than I thought we would, and by the time we finished I was utterly exhausted and confident that I would never do this again. I have since amended my position—I want to be more physically fit next time we go, and I don’t want to have to struggle my way up as many hills. Even a little hill is daunting when you’re trying to ski up it.

We went downhill skiing the next day, which is much more to my liking. I was impressed by the size of the hills they had for skiing! I expected something altogether unpleasant, like our local Hidden Valley ski resort. This was honestly like skiing some of the short runs out in Colorado, where Rebecca and I are going in March. There were feet of real snow, which in itself makes a huge difference. Skiing artificial snow just isn’t the same.

We went out snow-shoeing again the day before we left, following the trail we’d made earlier in the week. Someone had finished the trail, bringing it back around in a loop into itself.

We drove home on New Year’s Day. 12 Hours in a Ford Expedition with 7 other people. It felt good to get out of the car and stand up, but I’m sorry the our trip had to end. It was great fun to spend time with Rebecca’s family and Billy.

— On December 25, Christmas Day, my grandma went into the hospital at my parents’ insistence. She was showing signs of dehydration, and had started experiencing hallucinations. She was dizzy, and nauseous, and her blood pressure was fluctuating wildly. Rebecca and I had planned to go to Jefferson City to visit my grandparents the following morning, and my parents told me that it would probably still be okay to come. We’d visit Grandma in the hospital and celebrate Christmas as a family.

We drove to Jefferson City, MO on December 26, and we stopped downtown to eat at Arris’ Pizza. I had called my dad and told him this, and my mom and Jared showed up to eat with us. Jared, Rebecca and I sat at the table as Mom told us that Grandma had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s—everyone in my grandma’s family apparently ended up with Alzheimer’s, and she had been putting off going to the hospital because she didn’t want to have it confirmed, and this is why she was so resistant to go when my parents tried to get her to go. Mom then told us that my grandpa hadn’t wanted us to know this, but he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s two years ago, and has been on medication to help him manage.

Mom told us that the doctor told my grandpa what he already knew was coming—they won’t be able to live independently for much longer; my grandpa just can’t take care of Grandma on his own, especially in his condition. Just the other night, he had been helping her bathe while she was too unwell to do it on her own, and he almost couldn’t get her out of the bathtub. We talked for a little while longer, and I don’t know how I was able to keep myself from crying until Rebecca and I left the restaurant. We got into the car, and closed the doors, and I turned the key in the ignition. As soon as I looked over at her and we saw each other’s face, she reached forward to hold me as I fell apart.

I grew up with my grandparents. I lived at their house until I was 4 or 5, I spent large chunks of every summer with them until I was 13 or 14, and they’ve always been these incredible constants in my life, no matter what. She’s 80, he’s 81. I love them dearly, and I’m heartbroken for them. I hope that they can keep themselves until the end.

And I hope that the end isn’t for a long while.